This Tastes like Crap. And Such Small Portions.

29 Feb

Don’t you just hate it when you have a great idea, but it turns to crap right before your very eyes?

That’s what  happened yesterday with my husband’s oh-so-thoughtful Valentine’s Day present.  You may recall he gave me an entire year’s worth of gluten-free treats from the GFree Pantry.  Once a month, I am scheduled to receive a wonderful, inspiring cornucopia of delicious foods to make me forget I can no longer eat Devil’s Food Cake or drink bourbon.  Here’s what a sample box looks like on the website:

All bursting with g-free potential!

Here’s what arrived in the mail yesterday:

The fluffy green tissue paper obscures how very empty this box is. Just sayin'.

Eight small packets, in a large carton, surrounded by a lot of — presumably gluten-free — air.  For $23.00.  I got Caveman Crunch Mix (oddly fluffy, possibly from the space program, circa 1975); I got Caveman Chicken Jerky (more on that below).  And then, for a change of pace, I also got Paleopeople Cacao Nut Granola Clusters — which look, feel, and taste like a raisin that got stuck on the bottom of your boot during a  sandy (and possibly also muddy) hike in the rain.  At the very bottom of the box, I found a heavy block of something called a Macrobar, which is described as “A Big Picture Food”.

I can draw that picture right now, and it will not be pretty.

You may ask, “What do all these items have in common?” And I will tell you:  They are the kinds of things that, when you offer them to your children, they will say, “Mommy, please don’t make me eat that.”

Followed by, “It looks like a dog treat.”

I tried. Really I did.  I did everything I could to make the Caveman Foods Spicy BBQ Chicken Jerky seem appetizing.  Here are three tempting presentations:

Actually, the food artist for this plate was my hubby, who greeted me with this in the morning

Nothing worked.  The kids will not eat the jerky.  My husband will not eat the jerky.  I (obviously) will not eat the jerky.  Sarah, Sarah, where is our gluten-free spittoon when I need it?

But then I looked at Lulu.  And I looked at that horrible, unappetizing Spicy BBQ gluten-free meat product.

She was not enthusiastic, but she did eat it.  She is a living, breathing gluten-free spittoon.

Once upon a time, in 1987, in Marmaris Turkey, we met an Australian who didn’t like the eggplant appetizer.  He said, “This food is crappy.  And such small portions.”  That pretty much sums up my experience thus far with specialized gluten-free food products.  You want to know why I am a Gluten-Free bitch?  Look in the box.

I just cancelled my GFree Pantry subscription.  Now I’m going to go in the kitchen and eat a bag of chocolate chips.  Got the picture?

11 Responses to “This Tastes like Crap. And Such Small Portions.”

  1. Jennifer Astone February 29, 2012 at 6:38 pm #

    Love the dog shot. I can tell what she’s thinking 😉 Yuck!

    • spaceandlightandacupoftea February 29, 2012 at 6:46 pm #

      There was a lot of suspicious sniffing before she took the plunge. And I should note, when I offered her a second piece she turned her nose up at it and went back to her nap.

  2. Laura Davis February 29, 2012 at 6:45 pm #

    I am laughing out loud! Really. I’m lucky I’m not peeing in my pants. Love the presentation platters. You are the funniest gluten-free bitch I know (unless I read something by your partner in crime).

  3. Paula Mahoney February 29, 2012 at 8:21 pm #

    Have you and Sarah ever thought about doing gluten-free stand up comedy? You two are hilarious! The dog thing reminds me of when my daughter’s dog ate a bite of broccoli, then immediately spit it up and started barking at it. Was your dog OK after he ate it? You know, he could have a gluten-free intolerance….Just sayin’

  4. Sarah Savasky March 1, 2012 at 12:04 am #

    So, my friend, I think it’s safe to say that today’s treat is a bag of chocolate chips

  5. Willa March 1, 2012 at 3:12 am #

    mom, you are awesome. also: Lulu actually ate that???? ewwww haha

  6. felicia March 1, 2012 at 3:27 pm #

    Hilarious, keep writing and I will keep reading. love you and can’t wait to have you taste my gluten free Tanzania dishes. xxoo feli

  7. Halo March 3, 2012 at 11:47 am #

    That is EXACTLY what happens here in the UK too! Friends and family kept sending me thoughtful gluten free gift boxes that contained products bad enough to have me slumped in despair, weeping into a dry grainy gf “brownie”, and contemplating knocking myself out with the “bread” rolls, which believe me were hard enough to cause a serious concussion.

    The tipping point was being sent a gf sponge treacle pudding, which had to be coaxed out of the tub with a disturbing squelching sound, before it sadly fell to pieces on the plate before being touched, perhaps in resigned acknowledgement of how utterly crap it was.

    We don’t have a dog so I tried feeding it to a swan at the park. It hissed at me and I gave up.

    • spaceandlightandacupoftea March 6, 2012 at 4:41 pm #

      I have had that exact same “squelching” sound experience. Food should not sound like that!

  8. Karen O April 23, 2012 at 12:28 pm #

    Enid, just stumbled onto your Blog through your hubbies FB page….very well done –can’t wait to show the kids your picture of Lulu. I’ll be checking back!

  9. Donna April 5, 2013 at 11:25 pm #

    I know I am commenting on things from over a year ago, but I have only just discovered this wonderful blog and I am in a fit of giggles! It is SO TRUE. So many bad products but the one part of gluten-free I haven’t seen you touch on is the COST. If I could return every bad food item for a refund I think I wouldn’t be such a bitch…

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