The Daily Bitch…It’s Not the Gluten, Dummy

21 Feb

I’m not a real doctor, but I am a real bitch and I feel more than qualified to take on the subject of gluten and weight.

And, I am so tired of gluten-free weight loss stories!

  • Do people who go on a “gluten-free” diet for weight loss check every label, grill every waiter, and try desperately to find a delicious substitution for their favorite chocolate cake? Do they cry in the middle of the supermarket isle? I think not. I think they cut out bread, pasta and cake, for a couple of weeks and call it gluten-free. And guess what-they lose weight. Big surprise! It’s not the gluten, dummy,  it’s the no carbs, it’s the fewer calories.

  • Some people who have celiac disease gain weight once they give up gluten. Yup. That’s right. No, that’s wrong and so unfair.  It’s the dirty little secret about celiac disease. No one wants to talk about it.  Once that digestive system starts working again, those little cilia start standing upright again and doing their job. You start absorbing nutrients again, You start absorbing more fat.  Maybe your cholesterol goes up maybe you gain ten pounds.
  • Am I bitter? Possibly. Yes.
  • Chapter 15 of Elisabeth Hasselbeck’s book, The G Free Diet; A Gluten-Free Survival Guide, is entitled G-Free and Slim as Can Be.  I would like to slap her.  Also, she’s a republican.

  • Am I bitter?  Possibly. Yes.
  • On the up side, I could eat donuts, cookies, bread and pasta and lose those ten pounds in a jiffy. It’s called the gluten diet.
  • On the down side, there’s the whole destroying my small intestine thing.
  • Oh well.

Today’s Treat: Ask Enid.

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5 Responses to “The Daily Bitch…It’s Not the Gluten, Dummy”

  1. Enid February 21, 2012 at 3:44 am #

    I thought we promised to keep politics out of this… But really. Elizabeth’s book makes me want to cry.

  2. fogfb (friend of gluten-free bitches February 24, 2012 at 12:47 am #

    Well, as long as we’ve opened the political can of worms, of course you can tell that Elizabeth is Republican . . . she has Republican hair. Really! Just look at the various Republican wives, and wives-who-used-to-be-mistresses. They all have that blonde helmet hair. If I chew on my hair, is it gluten free?

  3. Sarah Savasky February 24, 2012 at 10:07 pm #

    Your hair should be gluten-free unless of course you are using shampoo with gluten in it.

  4. Halo February 26, 2012 at 8:18 pm #

    Thank you for this post, it made me laugh out loud and snort red wine out my nose. (We’re very dignified over here at the Halo Baking Emporium and Chocolaterie.) I too have been driven near to breaking point by dining companions and acquaintances who go “gluten free” for weight loss reasons and muddy the waters of what it actually entails and how much of an absolute b*ll-ache it can be.

    An acquaintance once declared herself to be intolerant to dairy and gluten. (Eating cream cakes made her bloat. How unusual!) Out in a pub she asked the waiter if they had any gluten free desserts, as she was intolerant. (I’d learnt the hard way; don’t even bother asking unless you want a worried look, a scurry to the kitchen, and a return offer of tinned peaches.) When he predictably responded “no”, she asked if the profiteroles were dairy and gluten free. He politely pointed out that they were made with wheat flour, and covered in cream, and she replied “oh that’s ok for me with my intolerance”.

    ….

    ZERO understanding of what it means to live this way out of medical necessity! Whew, steam expelled, rant over, thank you for sharing!

    • Sarah Savasky February 26, 2012 at 9:47 pm #

      you had me at “snort red wine out my nose”. Feel free to rant here any time…and your baking company looks delicous, if only you were closer.

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