The Daily Bitch…I Was Born This Way

9 Feb

Lady Gaga

The other day I happened upon a conversation between a gluten-free woman, her husband, and a young shopkeeper.  I had literally just finished a meeting with Enid about launching this blog, so it was very serendipitous. This gluten-freer was in the middle of explaining how annoying it is for people who can’t have gluten to be put in the same boat with people who won’t have gluten.  I don’t know how they got on the subject. I can only assume that the gluten-freer, like so many marginalized and slightly bitter people, wanted to be heard, validated, and perhaps *pitied just a little bit. I imagine she worked it into the conversation as smoothly as butter on a nice warm piece of bread (the kind with gluten).

I listened for a few minutes and considered walking out of the store. But then I asked myself  what would a gluten-free bitch do-would she walk away? I think not.  I think she would belly up to the bar, make some new gluten-free friends, spread the news about her blog  and make sure that shopkeeper never asked a customer how they were doing ever again.  So that’s what I did.  Also, I saw a really cute dress I wanted to try on.

And yes! It is so annoying to hear about people like Gwyneth Paltrow who choose to be gluten-free.  They give the rest of us a bad name. Like in a restaurant for instance, asking about every ingredient, explaining what gluten is, seeing the glazed or annoyed look in the waitresses eyes.  You don’t really want to have to say, “I’m not doing this  because I want to look like Gwyneth Paltrow, it’s just that if I eat even one crumb of gluten my immune system will go all crazy on my small intestine and start destroying my cilia [cut to horrified waitress].

Also, I do not:

  • have a personal chef (which would possibly make up for the whole celiac thing)
  • already have years of veganism under my belt
  • spend 4 hours a day doing Pilates
  • have a ton of money to spend on whatever I want to make up for the fact that I can’t eat bread (I’m not saying she does this I’m just saying she could if she wanted to)

So what is my point?   I didn’t choose this “lifestyle”   I WAS BORN THIS WAY

So what are my other points?

  1. I hate to cook
  2. I like eating animals and things that come from animals
  3. I’m not good at Pilates
  4. I have a shopping problem

Todays Treat: A new dress  (retail therapy, it’s more expensive than psychotherapy but just as fun.)












*Pity and especially self-pity has gotten a bad rap. Sometimes a girl (or a guy) just has to wallow for a while.  Look for my Pity Party Planner, coming to  a blog near you soon!

5 Responses to “The Daily Bitch…I Was Born This Way”

  1. Enid February 10, 2012 at 4:48 am #

    And here I thought I was the only one sublimating my urge for cake and bread by shopping for coats and boots…

  2. marciainspire February 10, 2012 at 9:30 pm #

    Loved it. Laughed. You don’t appear to have a shopping problem but I’d like to know more about why you think you have a shopping problem, because I HAVE A SHOPPING PROBLEM.

  3. Jennifer Astone February 13, 2012 at 5:39 am #

    Very funny. I had no idea people actually take up a G-free diet as a lifestyle. What has the world come to? You guys are funny, sort of in that Portlandia way of realizing some things need to be made fun of, even if the situation is, I understand, yucky and requires willpower to prevent serious health consequences. Write on and let me in on your gluten-free world and perhaps I can better understand my mother-in-laws frenzies at the health food store!

  4. LeslieK February 13, 2012 at 8:58 pm #

    I just read a gross article on why wheat is bad for all of us, and thought of you guys.

    So you can see why people who CAN eat wheat still try not to. ❤ your blog.

  5. fogfb (friend of gluten-free bitches February 24, 2012 at 12:55 am #

    I hate to shop. Thank heavens I don’t have to go gluten free. Why do my fingers keep wanting to type glue-ten free?? Is glue gluten free?

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