Time to wrap up the list. If blog posts didn’t have to be so short (because we all have the attention spans of fleas), I would have put them all in one piece. But that would require scrolling down, and apparently no one does that. In fact, I don’t even do that. If I don’t see something gripping on my screen the instant I arrive at a new site, I just click on something else. And people used to read multi-volume novels. Go figure.
Anyway, here are the last, the best, the most glorious reasons why it’s great to be diagnosed with celiac. Read it and weep.
- There’s never been a better time to go gluten-free. As everyone is quick to remind me, I have entered the gluten-free world just when it has gone mainstream. Everywhere I go, I see gluten-free products: gluten-free beer, gluten-free corn flakes, gluten-free cheese (although you’ve got to ask yourself, who puts wheat into cheese in the first place, and why?). Plus, I live in Santa Cruz, where they serve quinoa salad at my kids’ school, and there is actually a store called the Herb Room where they sell nothing but herbs and seeds. But when you come right down to it, how am I benefiting from the wide availability of gluten-free products, when the fact is most of them taste absolutely awful? It means that when I go to buy a bag of cookies, there are loads and loads of really horrible gluten-free cookies for me to choose from. It may be a mitigating factor, but really – does it make me lucky? I think not.
I really love cinnamon toast. The yeasty, wheat-y kind.
- Eating gluten-free means I’m going to lose a bunch of weight. Oh, I so wanted this to be true. It made sense logically (cut out baked goods, and you will get skinnier) and, even more important, it made sense cosmically (give up all the joys of eating, and you will be compensated). And it might be true for some people, like good old Gwyneth Paltrow and tennis star Novak Djokovic, who go gluten-free for fun. But guess what, folks? If you have celiac and go gluten-free you are likely to gain weight, not lose it. I know I have. That’s right – I gave up chocolate cake, cinnamon toast, and pasta primavera, and I put on the pounds. Lucky, lucky me.
The fact is, I’m not happy I have celiac and I’m not enjoying my brand new, incredibly restrictive diet. That’s why they call me a gluten-free bitch.
Hey look! In addition to the delightful lemon drop, everything else on the table is gluten-free too! Wait... that's water and salt and pepper. Lucky me.
Today’s Treat: Big fat Lemon Drop. Because lemon juice is gluten-free. And so is vodka.
Bye-bye for now,
Enid
glutenfreebitches.com 
Dear Bitch,
Thanks for telling it like it is. It’s so refreshing to hear someone gripe and make me laugh at the same time!
I love your writing style, and everything else about you. Is it possible to be a gluten-free vegan? I’ll look into it. : )
Hey Neen, I love the bitch in you! I know it sucks, but you’re really f’ing funny.
I can’t wait to try the pancakes! Let’s make them when you come to Albuquerky! You can take the g f bitches on the road as a traveler’s journalist. Maybe that is what the world needs -a guide best restaurants around the globe for g f bitches. You go girls. Love the site and you. felicia
I love your blog. I’m gluten free by choice, but my sister has Celiac and I’m just in denial, not getting the test yet, though I felt like 95% better after making the change so I think it’s a pretty good likelihood. Either way, I hate restrictions, and I love gluten, and dream about sourdough bread and cake at night many times 🙂