The Daily Bitch…. You’re Telling Me!

25 Jan

 How I found out…

It came in the mail.  I thought it was a doctor’s bill (God knows between me, my husband, and the three kids we rack up the medical expenses).  Instead it was a test result.  One line.  “You test positive for celiac disease.”

And I said — to myself since I was the only one in the kitchen — “What in the hell is celiac?”  Then, since we’re living in the Information Age, I went directly to Google and looked it up.

It was that obnoxious doctor who ordered the test, the one who never looked me in the eye, just kept tapping on the keyboard and sent me to the lab for ten tubes of blood tests.  There was no reason for him to order some assessment for some disease I’d never heard of, wasn’t symptomatic for, and didn’t (don’t!) want to have.

I needed a celiac diagnosis like a car crash.  A car crash that happens on a Wednesday, then keeps happening every time you sit down to a meal for as long as you live.

Perhaps I’m exaggerating.  But just a little bit.  Celiac means giving up gluten, by which I mean wheat, by which I mean cake and bread and muffins and flakey piecrust.  You know… everything fluffy and crispy and stretchy and delicious that you can ever imagine.

Humankind reveres gluten.

From the Bible to the ancient world to Shakespeare, to Marie Antoinette, it’s all they talk about.

Bread and circuses.   That’s what the Romans said the masses love.  I love that.  Sourdough bread and a lady in a spangly dress balancing on the back of a horse.  Yay!

Bread and wine.  Yum.  Francese with fresh olive oil and a glass of pinot noir.  Have I anchored a hundred dinners just that way? Yes I have.

Let them eat cake.  Let ME eat cake.

You get the idea.  The truth is, the first thing I did after my diagnosis was finally confirmed (biopsy, genetic testing, the whole enchilada) was go out and buy myself a “farewell cake”.  I’m posting a picture of it here.  Boy was it good.   Everyone sang “Happy Gluten to You”, then I ate a big piece.  I’ll tell you another day what happened next.

The Best Chocolate Cake in the World. Loaded with gluten, but Oh Baby!! http://www.butterybakery.com

Here are some things I love to do:

1.  Go to the market and buy delicious things. Scrumptious ingredients to bring home and bake.  Delicious cookies and crackers and toffee almonds and cranberry almond loaf and everything else I might see, and want, on the grocery shelves.  It’s like going to a jewelry store.  I adore the market!  I go every day.  I like to do it that way because – really? – how do you know what you’ll want to eat for dinner until you get there and see what looks good?

Now I go to the market in dark glasses because sometimes I start to cry in the bakery section.

2.  Go out to eat.  I love to see what someone else — a chef — thought of making.  I love the whole menu.  I love the surprise!

I can't understand all the words, but I still want to try every dish.

I like to pick what I eat, then taste everyone else’s food, too.  We are big sharers in my family; when we eat out, there is a veritable dance of forks in the middle of the table as we bob and weave, spearing bites of buttermilk fried chicken and pumpkin ravioli off each others’ plates.

I do not like to pick the one gluten-free thing out of 12 – and let’s be honest, most of the time it’s a grilled fish – and just order that.  With no sauce and no sharing.

Not that I don’t like fish — I do.  I just want to choose the fish, instead of settling for it.

Almost done, now!

Sarah and I may do our fair share of complaining on this site, but we do – sometimes – like to look on the bright side.  So, every time I post I am going to let you, our faithful readers, know about at least one thing I ate recently that was both (1) delicious and (2) gluten-free.  Because, even though that class of foods is very, very small… it does exist!

So, here’s my first daily offering.  I hope you like it!

Today’s Treat:  Chocolate macaroons with Orange Dulce tea. I’m so happy that, even when you put milk and sugar in it (and I always do), tea is always gluten-free.  http://www.macaronstore.com/Chocolate-Macaron-12-Pack.html; http://www.mightyleaf.com/product/orange-dulce-black-tea-pouches/.

Bye-bye for now (isn’t that what the bitchy popular girls say?),

Enid

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3 Responses to “The Daily Bitch…. You’re Telling Me!”

  1. Taylor September 21, 2012 at 5:57 am #

    Hate to break it to you, but not all tea is gluten free. Some tea bags are sealed shut with gluten.

    • swoondesign September 22, 2012 at 5:48 pm #

      Hi Taylor,

      Thanks for your comment. You are so correct – there are teeny, tiny gluten troublemakers lurking where we least expect them, and for those with severe celiac that can lead to nasty, surprising consequences. So far at least, I seem to be on the less-sensitive end of the celiac spectrum, so the occasional drop of gluten does not appear to cause me any trouble. On the bright side, there is always the option of buying loose-leaf tea (which tastes better anyway) and brewing your cuppa with that, instead.

      As I head into my one-year anniversary of the GF lifestyle, I try to focus my attention on things like that (which are naturally GF) rather than on how much I miss sticky buns. Because when I think about sticky buns (or any Danish-like item, really), it makes me want to hit someone. I may be one year in, but I’m still a Gluten Free Bitch.

      Cheers,

      Enid

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